Dealing with Loneliness

I went to my church on Sunday, Hillsong London. Pastor Tim “Segs” Segedin, preached on the subject of loneliness *

This is a subject which is relevant to me because I have struggled with loneliness for quite some time now.

Pastor Tim gave a convincing presentation on loneliness, providing striking statistics, particularly in relation to London. London, it seems, is particularly akin to this modern day malady: simply going by the amount of single occupant dwellings is compelling evidence in itself that London can be a very lonely place to live. Apparently, researchers have found that about twenty five percent of people in London experience loneliness to a degree that significantly affects their life.

This church’s solution to this dilemma is to simply make an effort to get more involved in the life of the church. I have attended about five different churches during my 15 years or so as a Christian. But no church I have ever been to has ever compared to Hillsong London in terms of its slick, professional image and the servanthood of the people who make a lot of effort to make the church what it is. Most of all, the people who go to this church are not the typical geeks you would expect. No, the people who go to this church are just normal people who are cool to hang out with. The sheer size of the church and its popular location, make it a place where you can meet a lot of like-minded people and get involved in a myriad of different activities. This is why the vision of this church to become a thriving community of people who interact with one another in a meaningful way, seems to be such a tangible goal. During the service, a young guy stepped up onto the stage and gave his testimony of how he became involved with the church and has developed some really great friendships by meeting in home groups. I have to say that I was very impressed with it all.

But what I struggle with, and have always struggled with when it comes to church, is the way that a sermon is presented in such a way as to put the onus on the hearer to do something. The church has always attempted to make spirituality, a relationship with God and a successful life into a series of steps, formulas and principles that a person can follow. But I have found that this tendency with religion and self-help is a rather misleading path: principles can become a subtle manifestation of the Old Testament law of following rules and regulations.

The New Testament is a completely different system of simply resting in Christ’s finished work. It is tempting to try to take control over your life by making a list of actions that you can take in order to make your life right. When it comes to living the Christian life – it is all about knowing that you are loved by God and living your life from that love. Anything else is self-effort and is a deception. Despite this, it is difficult to say that this pastor’s message on loneliness is untrue or that it is irreverent. This message does challenge a person to come out of their comfort zone – but it also puts pressure on them to do something. But I don’t think it is a matter of being encourage to “do something” that is the issue here. I have tried to do something about my loneliness several times, but it has simply led to me trying to socialise with people when my heart was not really in it – which is very frustrating.

From around the start of this year I have been listening to The Free Believers Network podcast Into the Wild. The main host of this podcast is a man by the name of Darin Hufford who used to be a pastor of a big mega-church in Los Angeles called The Dream Center. This podcast is radical and seeks to challenge the way in which we approach church and Christianity. Darin Hufford asserts that everything to do with the institutional church, including the relationships, is a false environment and does not work.

I’m inclined go along with what Darin is saying, according to my own experience. But I have to say that when I look around me at Hillsong London, I see some people enjoying some really great friendships. But what the church tries to do is to create a one-size-fits-all solution that everyone can apply to their life – but I don’t think it works like that. What we Christians often seem to neglect is the need to interact with people in our day-to-day life, outside of church, the majority of whom are not Christians! This is a topic which Into the Wild often brings up.

Just like any other important need in a person’s life, I strongly believe that the contrast between having great relationships and struggling with loneliness – all boils down to how secure a person is on the inside. It is all about the nature, the heart of a person – this is what affects every area of a person’s life. The more secure a person is, the less they focus on themselves and the more they focus on others, and vice-versa. But I don’t think we can simply make this into a principle by simply telling people that they ought to focus their attention less on themselves and more on others.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.” The New Living Translation says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” Galatians 5:14 says, “For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Christians believe that there are all sorts of rules that you must keep. But there is only one – that we love others as we love ourselves. But what often makes it difficult to love others is that we do not love ourselves.

Loneliness is the by-product of selfishness. Unfortunately, selfishness is often used as an accusation which is levelled at someone who struggles with relationships. But in actual fact, selfishness is simply an obsession with self: it is focusing anxiously on ones own life with a means of controlling what a person does and how they feel. Selfishness ultimately comes from the heart of a person who is insecure – no matter how strong and independent their character might appear to the outside world. I believe that the subject of loneliness, or any other human dysfunction for that matter, could be better dealt with by keeping this focus in mind – rather than trying to whittle it down to a series of steps or a set of principles and formulas – no matter how reasonable or “doable” they might seem.

* Hillsong London, Tim Segedin, Sunday 28th February 2010 - 3.30pm - Relationships are vital

Photo One Man in Trafalgar Square by Ferminius