The Attraction of Performance

I heard Dani Johnson preach at the 1pm service at Hillsong London today. I could not help but be blown away by Dani Johnson’s testimony. I felt empowered as a Christian when she related that there were many entrepreneurs in the Bible and that Christians should be in prominent roles in society.

Her testimony was that she was homeless at the age of 21 and a millionaire by the age of 23. She seemed totally genuine and down-to-earth and was very inspiring during her sermon. I could not help but think to myself that this is the kind of person that I always wanted to be: confident, independent, successful and financially secure.

You can read more about Dani Johnson on her official website.

I suppose there is also the added “celebrity” factor as well: I have felt drawn towards the concept of being able to stand on a stage in front of a crowd of over a thousand people and have them applauding me and laughing and cheering with me. This was something that deeply appealed to me as a Christian for several years. But I now realise that this is a completely impractical expectation as not every Christian can expect to make it into a successful full-time ministry.

How Do You Process This?

I have been attending Hillsong London church for about five years now; I have been a Christian for around 15 years; so this kind of sermon has not been entirely new to me. I have been through the Pentecostal, praying-for-revival and miracles scene at Kensington Temple and I have been through the grace movement as taught by the likes of Joseph Prince. I am now going through a phase of so-called anti-IC (Institutional Church) conversations, courtesy of The God Journey and the grittier The Free Believers Network. I now feel that I am not as gullible as I used to be and that I am much more likely to question what I hear from the pulpit.

One of the latest podcasts from The Free Believers Network is entitled The Lust of Sensationalism. I feel that this long-awaited podcast picks-up from Darin's blog on Spiritual Porn Addiction. In this podcast episode, Darin and Aimee talk about how Christians who leave the excitement of the church-world, often feel enticed back by church services and teaching that give the impression of incredible spiritual occurrences. In “the wild”, the Christian space outside of church, you don’t have all of those incredible spiritual experiences and testimonies. It can be tempting for Christians, disillusioned by the church world, to be drawn back in by the seemingly miraculous. I felt rather bewildered as to how I reconcile this amazing testimony of Dani Johnson, against what the Free Believers team were saying.

It was also in another podcast by The Free Believers Network, I think it was the one entitled Moving On, in which the hosts discuss the fact that people who leave the church in a state of disillusionment, might come back to the church, but not because they feel they have to, not because they’ll be cursed if they don’t, but because of reasons such as friendship. This is the case I find myself in: I stopped going to church just at the start of the year. This coincided with my listening to the The Free Believers Network podcasts. These podcasts may appear to be anti-IC – but they are actually focused on a genuine relationship with God through Christ. Leaving the church seems to be a natural consequence of coming into the revelation of God’s love for you. I recently started attending Hillsong London Church again – but only because I wanted to meet up with some people and enjoy fellowship with them.

So I am left feeling rather bewildered as to how I am meant to process the message delivered by Dani Johnson. Was it wrong of me to feel wooed by this woman’s powerful message? How was this message applicable to my own life?

I know that at one time, when I was particularly insecure and naïve; I would have taken this to mean that I can also become a millionaire, with God’s help. I once thought that this was the only way that I could gain the respect of others and “win them for Christ”. That has been a particularly painful, frustrating and disappointing road that I have travelled for a number of years. But now, I find that I have arrived at a different place. I am now inclined to value what I have, to make the most of my life as it appears now, and to not wish that I was somewhere else doing something that I don’t do at this moment in time.

So how are we to process this inspiring message of success? Are all Christians meant to be successful entrepreneurs? I think the whole message of grace, righteousness in Christ, is all about knowing that you are okay just the way you are. I think that is a great place to start. Where you are supposed to go from there – I don’t really know. It might be a successful businessman or businesswoman, or it might just be a humble, everyday, nine-to-five job – I don’t know. Whatever it might be – I believe that you can trust in God to meet all of your needs, regardless of your salary and job-title.

It is true that we do hear of great and inspiring things happening in the lives of other Christians, the Old Testament is filled with testimonies of incredible miracles wrought in the lives of godly people. I feel that these stories serve to take our limits off God. But I feel that we can get off-course if we take these stories to mean that God is obligated to perform a similarly spectacular miracle in our own lives. At the end of the day, it all comes down to conveying a sense of trust in God – not in establishing a comprehensive set of formulas and principles which we can use in order to make God bless us how we want and when we want.

Caught Between Two Worlds

For years I felt as if I was caught between two worlds: the office workplace and the church. Both of these “worlds” emphasised one thing: performance. In the office workplace here seemed to be a strong work-hard ethic and a sense that you were respected according to your grade and your ability. This inevitably led me to believe that I needed to somehow make an effort to be better than everybody else and to show them that I had what it takes and was someone who could be trusted and respected. The “currency” of this workplace respect seemed to be vested in wisdom and favour – both being concepts strongly rooted in Biblical principles: Daniel and Joseph being the chief exponents.

In the church there was always a sense of wanting, needing, grasping for something outside of yourself; there was always the sense of inadequacy, that you are not right with God, not where you want to be and that you have to spend a lot of time and effort doing something in order to be somebody of worth and value. This often equated to rather daft church related endeavours and rule keeping.

I could not help but feel that the people in my workplace were clearly the winners in this battle of wits: they seemed to be the most intelligent, successful and appealing between the two. When I was part of the Pentecostal movement, I could not help but feel that there was something rather off-putting with the church crowd: they always seemed to be rather desperate, weak-willed, naive and quirky.

For me, I desperately wanted the promises of wealth and success that I got from the church world, to be brought to bear in the outside world: especially in the office workplace. I felt as if it was a competition, us against them, sinner versus saint, believer verses unbeliever.

But I felt that time and again my hopes were dashed as I found that I could not quite cut it with the office workplace crowd. I was up against Oxford and Cambridge graduates and I felt that the only thing that I had that would persuade them and win them to my way of thinking, and to Christ, was performance, ability and achievement. But it seemed that none of the formulas and principles that I gleaned from the church world ever seemed to work for me.

It was only when I started attending Hillsong London that I found myself around a group of Christians who seemed to be a lot more solid, genuine and balanced – fun people to hang out with.

It’s Not All about Performance

I found that the whole focus on performance just wore me out. I was convinced that I needed to impress people with what I did and what I had – as if love just was not enough. I suppose I just looked at how utterly ridiculous I felt the church was at the time and how utterly pathetic Christians seemed to be – I just thought that I needed to compete on the same level as the world in order to show that that there was something genuine, relevant, powerful and attractive about Christianity.

What I did not admit to myself at the time was that underlying these noble motives to bring Christ to the world, was a whole lot of insecurity and a deep-rooted want for approval. It was these unmet needs that were really cursing all of my efforts to do the right thing and to achieve success. I suppose this is what the Bible refers to as “selfish motives”.

My drive towards performance and achievement made me no different than the staunchest atheist whose trust I sought to win. I was drawn into the “rat-race” with all of its allure and all of its demands and all of its disappointment.

What Do People Really Want?

What I have found that people are drawn to, and I myself have been drawn to, are people who are honest, humble, secure and happy. I know of people in the workplace who have impressive job-titles and salary figures – but their personality, character and lifestyle leave little to be admired. It is not just what a person has or does that attract you – it is who they are and how you feel about them deep-down on the inside. There is often no logic, no formula to it – you just feel the way you feel about someone. The whole work-hard ethic has produced a lot of performance-driven people who quite often lack humility and integrity. Such people, I find, often live very shallow and dissatisfying lives. I find that such people are often unpleasant to be around.

I feel that we really need to stop chasing after formulas, miracles, job-titles and salary figures. We need to rediscover what is truly authentic in life: love, relationships, hobbies and interests.

Those people who become enamoured with job-titles and salary figures, I believe, are atheists – they trust in their ability to perform in order to make it in this world. Christianity is all about a relationship with God through Christ – it is not all about performance and about proving that Christians are more successful than people in the world. We need to leave room for those wonderful, serendipitous when we encounter God’s awesome grace and provision, in ways we did not expect and did not merit.

You will notice from the stories of Daniel and Joseph in the Bible, that they both were given favour by God, before they were blessed with wisdom and ability. There is significance in that. No matter what you do and how you perform in this life – nothing impresses people more than the favour that God gives a person. Favour is something that affects people on a spiritual level and requires no performance or human intervention whatsoever in order to make it effective.

The Mega Church and the Myth of Tithing

I had the privilege of listening to Joseph Prince preach at Hillsong London recently. I always enjoy listening to Pastor Prince’s teaching, and especially enjoy the experience of hearing him live on 11^th October 2009. You can download this podcast for free here.

But there was something that bothered me about what Joseph Prince said. Joseph Prince said that we should tithe; he then gave a brief testimony of one of the members of his church: Olivia Lum. Olivia Lum went from having an average life to being the richest woman in South East Asia. Apparently, Olivia told Joseph Prince that the key to her success was that she always paid a tithe and she prayed for wisdom.

Joseph Prince and the Grace Revolution

I would say that Joseph Prince is at the fore-front of what could be called a “grace revolution”. Ever since Joseph Prince visited my church, Hillsong London, in 2006/2007 – the message at my church has become a lot more grace-oriented (the pastor’s admitted it themselves). I have a CD box set of the teaching that he delivered during his visit and it is truly amazing.

Joseph Prince has a lot of respect for the Senior Pastor at Hillsong London, Gary Clarke, and Joseph preaches at the annual Hillsong Europe Conference and sometimes speaks at Hillsong London as a guest speaker. Gary has also visited Singapore where he preached at New Creation Church – Joseph Prince’s church.

The revelation of grace that has happened in Singapore is spreading all over the world. Joseph Prince’s teaching is seen, or listened to, by people all over the world: his teaching can be downloaded in MP3 format from his website at http://www.josephprince.org. Joseph Prince has a presence on Christian Television including the popular Daystar network. This wonderful grace preacher is influencing a lot of churches and Christians and it is probably for this reason that he still supports the message of tithing.

Darin Hufford on Tithing

Darin Hufford of the Free Believers Network has admitted that he does not believe in tithing. Darin is an ex-pastor of the Dream Center – a mega church in Los Angeles U.S.A. I recall Darin relating in one of his Into the Wild podcasts, that he set-up his own church after he left the Dream Center. He promptly told his new congregation that they did not have to tithe. Darin ended-up having an argument with his accountant because his ministry was rapidly running out of money. However, Darin would not waver from his convictions and he stood firm when it came to not deceiving the congregation into tithing out of an obligation or with the promise of extravagant blessings should they continue to do so. Darin concluded from this experience that the whole institution church experience is man-made and is utterly dependant on the myth of tithing.

It is important to note that the ministries of that of Bertie Brits and Joseph Prince, despite having a similar message, they are actually rather different: Joseph Prince is the senior pastor of a mega-church, albeit a grace mega-church, whilst Bertie does not have his own church, but produces videos from his home studio or travels to other churches and to conferences. There is a difference and if we are to take Darin Hufford’s statement as the truth – we can see why one preacher teaches on the tithe and why the other does not.

I’m kind of torn between accepting this statement fully and arguing that it is not the case, that there are some good things about the institutional church, particularly grace-oriented mega-churches such as Hillsong. However, I cannot deny that Darin does have a point and it does get me thinking. If this is the case, then perhaps Joseph Prince has to preach on the tithe so that he himself can continue to exist in a mega-church environment and so that he can continue to influence those who are also in a mega-church environment (the Hillsong Europe Conference being a case in point).

A Hint of W.O.F.

I also see some aspects of Word of Faith in Joseph’s teaching – particularly the daily devotionals he produces. I suppose this is to be expected because like me, his main influence was Kenneth E. Hagin. Hagin himself was a pioneer of faith during his day. Hagin had to overcome a lot of opposition from the church with his beliefs on faith for finances and faith for healing. Hagin was seen to be a heretic because of his propensity towards blessings, signs, wonders and spiritual gifts. God does not give any one Bible teacher a monopoly on Biblical truth, and more than likely, never will.

I made the big mistake of simply accepting everything I read in Hagin’s books without question. I suppose this was because I was so convinced by the extravagant testimonies of blessings and miracles; as well as the all-too-familiar name-it-and-claim-it faith confessions. I was desperate for love and approval and in the absence of proper teaching on grace – I just looked to performance and achievement. I saw faith as being the key to unlocking the power of God that I needed in order to be happy, satisfied and accepted.

I think if Hagin would have been given the same revelation of grace that Joseph Prince has been given today – it is likely that Hagin would have been driven out of the church for sure and labelled a crank.

Conclusion

Biblical prosperity is a very tricky subject – there needs to be a balance and I believe that extravagant testimonies, such as that of Olivia Lum, need to be seen as exceptional and not typical. I believe that the main reason behind such testimonies is to serve to take the limits off God. So many times we try to figure God out, anticipate His next move, and to define the boundaries of what we can or can’t have, or what we can or can’t do. It is so easy to quote a testimony like that of Olivia Lum and then attempt to make some sort of generic “template” out of it; a rule, principal or formula that anyone can follow in order to achieve instantaneous, and predictable, success.

Yes, I do believe that God’s intention is that we have our needs met, and even that we can enjoy prosperity – but there is a difference between needs and wants. A lot of people still look to financial prosperity as a means of offsetting other unmet needs in their life, such as a sense of approval and security – things that only a well-established relationship with Christ can fulfil.

I foresee the grace revolution as being a rather slow process as old religious mindsets give way to the message of pure grace. I believe that the message of tithing will probably be the last bastion of Christian legalism to fall. Why? Well because it involves money of course!

Dealing with Loneliness

I went to my church on Sunday, Hillsong London. Pastor Tim “Segs” Segedin, preached on the subject of loneliness *

This is a subject which is relevant to me because I have struggled with loneliness for quite some time now.

Pastor Tim gave a convincing presentation on loneliness, providing striking statistics, particularly in relation to London. London, it seems, is particularly akin to this modern day malady: simply going by the amount of single occupant dwellings is compelling evidence in itself that London can be a very lonely place to live. Apparently, researchers have found that about twenty five percent of people in London experience loneliness to a degree that significantly affects their life.

This church’s solution to this dilemma is to simply make an effort to get more involved in the life of the church. I have attended about five different churches during my 15 years or so as a Christian. But no church I have ever been to has ever compared to Hillsong London in terms of its slick, professional image and the servanthood of the people who make a lot of effort to make the church what it is. Most of all, the people who go to this church are not the typical geeks you would expect. No, the people who go to this church are just normal people who are cool to hang out with. The sheer size of the church and its popular location, make it a place where you can meet a lot of like-minded people and get involved in a myriad of different activities. This is why the vision of this church to become a thriving community of people who interact with one another in a meaningful way, seems to be such a tangible goal. During the service, a young guy stepped up onto the stage and gave his testimony of how he became involved with the church and has developed some really great friendships by meeting in home groups. I have to say that I was very impressed with it all.

But what I struggle with, and have always struggled with when it comes to church, is the way that a sermon is presented in such a way as to put the onus on the hearer to do something. The church has always attempted to make spirituality, a relationship with God and a successful life into a series of steps, formulas and principles that a person can follow. But I have found that this tendency with religion and self-help is a rather misleading path: principles can become a subtle manifestation of the Old Testament law of following rules and regulations.

The New Testament is a completely different system of simply resting in Christ’s finished work. It is tempting to try to take control over your life by making a list of actions that you can take in order to make your life right. When it comes to living the Christian life – it is all about knowing that you are loved by God and living your life from that love. Anything else is self-effort and is a deception. Despite this, it is difficult to say that this pastor’s message on loneliness is untrue or that it is irreverent. This message does challenge a person to come out of their comfort zone – but it also puts pressure on them to do something. But I don’t think it is a matter of being encourage to “do something” that is the issue here. I have tried to do something about my loneliness several times, but it has simply led to me trying to socialise with people when my heart was not really in it – which is very frustrating.

From around the start of this year I have been listening to The Free Believers Network podcast Into the Wild. The main host of this podcast is a man by the name of Darin Hufford who used to be a pastor of a big mega-church in Los Angeles called The Dream Center. This podcast is radical and seeks to challenge the way in which we approach church and Christianity. Darin Hufford asserts that everything to do with the institutional church, including the relationships, is a false environment and does not work.

I’m inclined go along with what Darin is saying, according to my own experience. But I have to say that when I look around me at Hillsong London, I see some people enjoying some really great friendships. But what the church tries to do is to create a one-size-fits-all solution that everyone can apply to their life – but I don’t think it works like that. What we Christians often seem to neglect is the need to interact with people in our day-to-day life, outside of church, the majority of whom are not Christians! This is a topic which Into the Wild often brings up.

Just like any other important need in a person’s life, I strongly believe that the contrast between having great relationships and struggling with loneliness – all boils down to how secure a person is on the inside. It is all about the nature, the heart of a person – this is what affects every area of a person’s life. The more secure a person is, the less they focus on themselves and the more they focus on others, and vice-versa. But I don’t think we can simply make this into a principle by simply telling people that they ought to focus their attention less on themselves and more on others.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.” The New Living Translation says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” Galatians 5:14 says, “For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Christians believe that there are all sorts of rules that you must keep. But there is only one – that we love others as we love ourselves. But what often makes it difficult to love others is that we do not love ourselves.

Loneliness is the by-product of selfishness. Unfortunately, selfishness is often used as an accusation which is levelled at someone who struggles with relationships. But in actual fact, selfishness is simply an obsession with self: it is focusing anxiously on ones own life with a means of controlling what a person does and how they feel. Selfishness ultimately comes from the heart of a person who is insecure – no matter how strong and independent their character might appear to the outside world. I believe that the subject of loneliness, or any other human dysfunction for that matter, could be better dealt with by keeping this focus in mind – rather than trying to whittle it down to a series of steps or a set of principles and formulas – no matter how reasonable or “doable” they might seem.

* Hillsong London, Tim Segedin, Sunday 28th February 2010 - 3.30pm - Relationships are vital

Photo One Man in Trafalgar Square by Ferminius

Questioning the Role of the Institutional Church – Part 2

The Church as a Christian Youth Club

The church that I go to at the moment reminds me of a Christian youth club; it makes me wonder how much they actually study the Word for themselves and how much they pray. But I hesitate in saying that this is wrong or bad because:

• Firstly, it is just speculation on my part – perhaps they do fit in time to study the Word in their crammed social schedule?
• Secondly, I am glad that they are saved and they are around other Christians – even if it does not look like what I think it should – it is, after all, a starting point.
• Thirdly, who says that these people should study the Word as much as I do? I will admit that my anxiety, depression and frustration have driven me to go somewhat over-the-top in my Bible studies – learning all sorts of Greek words and pursuing all sorts of useless Christian fads.

What is the goal in our pursuit of Christ? Surely it is to be transformed into His image? In my church, the main goal is to get people to raise their hand at the altar call. This is a wonderful goal and I can’t argue with that. Secure Christians can certainly make that their goal as their focus shifts from their own pursuits and onto serving others. But personally, I don’t think I’m there yet as I still feel somewhat bogged down with my own issues. I have tried to serve on team but I was doing it for the wrong reasons, just to please God and other people, and therefore, it was a struggle and I have to give it up after several months.

I often think to myself, "When I'm less negative, then I'll..." I think to myself that when I'm happy and I've "got it all together" - then I'll serve in church and make great friendships in the church - but will I? Now that my focus has shifted away from the I.C. and more onto a personal relationship with Jesus - I'm more inclined to love those people in my immediate sphere of experience and just get on with everyday life, rather than seeing an a religious institution as the be-all-and-end-all of my Christian experience. Perhaps my earnest desire to "serve God" in the church is one of the various factors that still keeping me locked into negative thinking, guilt and frustration?

I suppose I feel somewhat envious of these people that they are happy, positive-minded and sociable, they are able to focus their attention on serving others; and they don’t seem to have the need to spend endless hours in prayer and Bible study in order to live a life of love of happiness.

A Case of Security versus Insecurity

I think it really comes down to how secure a person is when they give their life to Christ. If a person is insecure, they need to focus their efforts on establishing a foundation of security in Christ. This is the very area in which I feel I have been let down time and again. Rather than being given teaching that would bring me out of my anxiety and depression, I have found myself plied with motivational messages, demands for performance, guilt trips and unrealistic promises of success and prosperity. This preaching has been intended to make me a better Christian, but has completely failed to change me on the inside.

Already-Secure Christians

But what if a person is already secure from a mental perspective? I would say that they are more able to live from that established sense of security more than seeking to re-establish it. But this sense of security that positive minded people have is, more often than not, established by positive life experiences and the affirmation of other people. But where is a sense of security in Christ alone in this picture? This sense of security is established by what the Bible terms “the world” more than it is of faith: it is established by spoken words, experiences and achievements – those things which are gained through the physical senses.

You see, this is what I’m trying to explain here: many people who come to establish a sense of security in Christ, tend to suffer and struggle in life up to, and beyond, the point at which they give their life to Christ. It would seem that a sense of insecurity is a vital factor in drawing a person away from their own efforts and the affirmation of other people, towards seeking the Father’s love for them in Christ. Otherwise, what is there to distinguish an already secure, positive minded Christian from other people in the world? Where is the passion for the Word of God and its ability to transform, deliver and renew?

When I compare my beliefs with those of other Christians, I am astonished as to how secular they are a lot of the time in the way they think. It is for this reason that the typical Christian motivational message appeals to them so much: they honestly believe that they have perfect, conscious control over their actions; these people believe it when the preacher says, “It is all up to you. Will you go all out for God?” I have been brought to a place in which I am convinced that I can do nothing without Christ in me. For me, the importance lies with understanding that it is the Father who does the works, and therefore, it is my submission to the Holy Spirit that is more important than my trying to merit God’s favour though my own efforts. But I realise that my beliefs have been established in me through years and years of painful struggle, confusion, apathy, lethargy and frustration.

Perhaps then for these already-secure Christians it is a slow journey towards developing the realisation that this sense of security they have was founded on experiences, rather than revelation knowledge? Who knows?

As I said before, it all comes down to the sense of security that a person has been conditioned to believe they have, up to this moment in time. I am beginning to see the whole subject of conditioning and security as being fundamental factors in Christianity and life in general. For me, these concepts explain so much about what I am experiencing in my life and the hardships and struggles I have been though. It is for this reason that I intend to write a great deal more on these subjects.

Security and Insecurity Comparison Chart

I made a note of a chart that was displayed during a sermon at Hillsong London, which compared attributes of security with that of insecurity. I feel that this comparison perfectly sums-up the contrast between a disposition of security with that of insecurity.

Security	Insecurity
At rest & at peace	Driven & anxious
Accepting of self, confident of one's value to God	Striving to get acclaim, to prove one's value
Content with one's lot in life	Constantly comparing, envying, coveting
Able to bless, affirm and serve others	Jealous, controlling, manipulative & demanding of others

My Testimony...A Brief Story of My Life In Christ

How It All Began…

I moved from the north of England to the south in April 1995 to start on an exciting new career path. During that time, I was interested in self-help and personal development, having just read the classic book The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr. Joseph Murphy. A friend of mine had introduced me to a charismatic church in the north, not far from where I lived. I had an open-mind about Christianity, but I was not altogether serious about it; I was much more interested in using affirmations to re-program my subconscious mind.

It was quite a lonely time for me at first when I made that move in 1995. But just before I left the north, the pastor of that church gave me the details of a church of the same denomination in the area that I was to live. I attended that place; it was rather large, having once been an old nightclub. Although I had made a first-time commitment to Jesus, I was still only semi-serious about my faith; I was still only partially convinced that Christianity had the power to really change my life.

My Journey into the New Age

My interest in self-help methods naturally progressed towards New Age practices. I would often go to a rather large and popular New Age shop in Covent Garden. It was there that I became rather addicted to fortune-telling; I just wanted to know that I had a bright future and that everything was going to be alright. I started trying to use Tarot Cards for myself and that led to a rather frightening encounter, upon which I will elaborate no further. Suffice to say, my journey with New Age ended right there and then! It was at that point that I became a lot more serious about Christianity.

Getting Serious About Jesus at Kensington Temple

I would spend quite a lot of time on my own exploring London. On one occasion in 1997, I happened to hear some preaching in Trafalgar Square, so I hung around there for a little while out of curiosity. I was approached by a young African man who introduced himself and told me that he was with the church that was preaching. He introduced me to attend this church, which was the rather famous Pentecostal church, Kensington Temple. I met my new friend at what was called the Tabernacle: a warehouse in North Acton which was rented by Kensington Temple and was converted into a 1300-plus seating auditorium. The music, atmosphere and preaching was amazing. So I quickly switched churches. What caught my attention more than anything about this place were the signs and wonders. Colin Dye, the senior pastor, would walk around the auditorium after the service and minister under the power of the Holy Spirit, many people would be healed. I absolutely loved Colin’s dynamic and often humorous style of preaching – a real one-off. He is an amazing communicator.

The Baptism in the Holy Spirit

One evening at the end of the service, I accepted an altar call and went to the front to be prayed for. I had my eyes closed at the time and a man came to pray for me. I’ll never forget what this man said to me: he said that I was going to be set free from my burdens, sadness and pain. He said that this was something that God would do for me. They were not the exact words but the gist of it.

The friendship with my new friend grew and we would attend prayer groups together. My friend possessed the gift of praying in tongues, which fascinated me. I had bought my own flat in Middlesex around this time and my friend would occasionally come to visit and we would pray together. Well, he would pray earnestly in tongues and I would wonder around muttering something vaguely spiritually sounding. Anyway, one evening in October 1998, my friend prayed over me and I remember hitting the floor. My muscles contracted and I suddenly felt as if I was being crushed in a vice! I writhed around on the floor muttering some unintelligible words. I had been baptised in the Holy Spirit! I remembered that this was about a week after I had had that prophetic message spoken over my life in church: that the Lord was going to set me free.

Ever since that moment, my life was changed. I was able to hear the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to my spirit. My prayers were often more like conversations with God, rather than a one-way communication with Him. I started to pray in tongues, often for three hours at a time. I would fast at weekends, praying in tongues every hour or so. Nothing began to change in my life dramatically as a result of this type of prayer – but I decided to persevere and see what would eventually happen.

For about two months after this incident, I felt absolutely wonderful. I had suffered from depression and anxiety all of my life. But suddenly, I was set free and I experienced such a profound sense of peace and joy. The wonderful thing was: I did not have to do anything for it; and the circumstances of my life had not changed – only I had changed, on the inside. It did not take very long for the dark clouds of my depression to come rolling back. Soon, I was reunited with the same anxious thoughts that had blighted my life before. However, I noticed that it was not quite as strong as it was before.

Shortly after my life-changing encounter with the Holy Spirit, my African friend disappeared from my life. His work in my life had been accomplished and the brief time in which our paths cross, had now passed.

My Interest in the Word of Faith Movement

I became very interested in reading Christian books. There was one popular author who caught my attention in particular: Kenneth E. Hagin. Hagin had a powerful testimony of how he was miraculously raised from an incurable heart disease at the age of seventeen. Hagin’s books veered away from the usual dos and don’ts and focused more on the practical application of faith in order to manifest the power of God in your life.

I became fascinated with Hagin’s teaching. It would follow a predicable pattern: a Biblical text, followed by a seemingly accurate and well-written explanation, and then a powerful, practical testimony of how that Word was applied in the life of Hagin or someone who knew.

I was not interested in routines and duties. I just wanted the power of God in my life. Christianity often seemed to be portrayed as people being “nice” and doing good things for people. Personally, I hated all of that. Some Christians would make a big fuss about doing community projects and how it impacted lives. But I just felt that these efforts were perfunctory and ineffective. People were not interested in acts of charity and people who were soft and soppy – people were interested in having a life that was transformed by faith in Christ.

I became enamoured at this time with name-it-and-claim-it style faith. This message of practical, powerful faith went hand-in-hand with the prosperity message. Why, of course God wanted His children to prosper in life – I thought to myself. This was a belief that was also shared by many other weak, frustrated, confused and struggling Christians who shared the same ideas about Christianity that I did. I suppose I was eager to influence other people, to make myself known to the world. I had been rather quiet and un-influential in the past and I was eager for people to sit-up and notice me for once. I became rather competitive and wanted to take on the world and prove that there was more to Christianity than just routines, duties, and charity-work and dull Sunday services. But my desire to prove the case for Christ was really a veiled disguise for my own suppressed desire to prove myself, that I was "a somebody" and that people should acknowledge me. I hated the notion that Christians were meant to take some sort of forfeit in life that they were not meant to enjoy prosperity and success – as if all of that was reserved for a select few unbelievers. I wanted to compete with the world on there own terms – and win. I saw Hagin’s style of faith teaching as being the fast-track to accomplishing that goal.

The Orange Folder

Despite reading a great deal on the subject of faith – I did not seem to be able to really get going with it. I would begin repeating Bible verses enthusiastically, but then I found that my enthusiasm would begin to wane. Then, weeks or months later, I would tell myself that I had to “do something” and would re-new my efforts with Biblical confession. The same cycle would then repeat itself.

I began to write-out my confessions on a single page of typed A4 sized paper. These confessions would be packed with Bible verses that I cut-and-pasted from Bible software. I really prided myself on these confessions because they sounded really powerful and eloquent. I would confess that God would give me favour in the sight of other people, that I would make a lot of money, I would get promoted two grades at work and that I would have a wonderful Christian wife who believed in faith like I did.

I eventually printed-out about fifty or so of these confessions, which I kept in an orange folder. But after an enthusiastic start – I could not bring myself to make those confessions anymore. It was at that point that I had become burnt-out as far as faith was concerned. But I blamed myself, of course, because I felt I was too lazy to confess the Word. I remember reading in one of Hagin’s books that he knew of people who had all of his books, but they did not experience any breakthrough in their lives because they failed to act upon his teaching and to confess the Word. I did not begin to question my motives at this point. I just believed that God was right there with me, earnestly striving to fulfil my every wish. After all, God did want me to prosper so that I could influence the word for Christ – didn’t He?

A Desperate Move

I began to get really depressed at this point – my faith just wasn’t working. Could it be that I was not giving enough money to the church? Should I serve more in the church? Perhaps it was my sin that prevented God from blessing me? I ended-up paying a double-tithe because I was desperate to see the blessing of God flowing in my life.

It was in 2002 just as property prices began to sour in the U.K. Desperate to see a change in my life, I seized upon this opportunity to change my life. Although I did not have a clear leading from God, I was convinced that He wanted me to just “do something”. So, I sold my flat at a substantial profit and awaited God’s instructions. I was delighted to finally move to the same town as my workplace. I used to hate waiting for the bus, which was once-an-hour and quite often late.

Did He want me to go back up north? Did He want me to leave the country? Did He want me to go into full-time ministry? I don’t know, but I got myself ready for God to lead me in the path of my destiny. Nothing happened!

The Doctrine of John Avanzini

It was then that I decided to read a book that I had bought from the first church I attended when I moved to London. It was Un-answered Prayer – Answered, by John Avanzini. Avanzini conveyed the argument that in order to see answers to prayer and the blessings of God in your life – you had to give an offering to the church. Avanzini explained that the tithe was something that you owed God, and that the promise of God to pour out such a blessing as per Malachi 3:10, would only come into effect if you gave an offering to the church in addition to the tithe.

I waited for God’s next move. I just assumed that with all this liquid cash that was suddenly made available to me, God would be keen to move in my life with directions on how to invest this money. But no direction came. I assumed that I had to make a substantial offering to the church, as Avanzini had prescribed, in order to cause God to act on my behalf. So I gave quite a large offering to Kensington Temple. Despite this offering, I then got hit with two share scams. I became rather demoralised at this point. Nevertheless, I did my best to remain optimistic and waited upon the Lord.

A Touch of Legalism

I stopped attending Kensington Temple as it was too far for me to travel. I decided to check-out a small, charismatic fellowship that was less than a mile down the road from my new flat. It was not quite up to Kensington Temple standards, but the worship was quite good, the people friendly and the preaching seemed enthusiastic and motivating. So I made this my new church.

I think I was convinced that I was meant to go into full-time ministry at that time. So I made efforts to get as close to the pastor as I could. I joined the house group that was run by the pastor, which I attended every week. I then became an usher and began attending the weekly prayer meetings. I even tried to go to the early morning prayer meetings, which started at 7am, but I was rarely able to get out of bed in time.

Despite the enthusiastic start with this church, I began to question my motives and the preaching. There was a strong emphasis on servant hood, which I agreed with at first, but began to question. I really could not see the point of some of the perfunctory routines and duties. The community projects just seemed to be a waste of time. I just felt as if the pastor was putting on a religious show – and I was part of the act!

I came to see that the preaching was rather legalistic. At first, it seemed rather inspiring; being told to make greater efforts to minimise sin in your life and to serve God with all your heart – seemed to make a lot of sense to me. But I came to see that I could not fulfil the demands that were placed upon me. There was nothing in this teaching that told me who I was in Christ, how to practically apply faith and how redemption could change my life. I was still heavily into reading Kenneth E. Hagin at this time and I could see that there was a disparity between Hagin’s message of faith and this pastor’s preaching.

I became increasingly frustrated with this church and decided that it would be a better use of my time to stay at home and study. It was a difficult time for me because I was rather confused and frustrated; coupled with this was the fact that I had committed myself to serve in the church and to attend various weekly activities. I eventually stopped going to that church altogether and entered a church-less state. But I was certain that I was doing the best thing.

The Message of Grace

It was at this moment that the Lord began to open a door of revelation to me. The Lord began to pour His wisdom into me on the subject of His grace. I was not acquainted with grace teaching at that time and I had not even heard of Joseph Prince. For me, what kept on arising time and again was the fact that I truly could do nothing apart from God. The notion that it was all up to me to “just do something” became utterly refuted. The verse of scripture that made the greatest impact on me was 2 Peter 1:2-4.

2 Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord,
3 as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue,
4 by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
2 Peter 1:2-4 nkj

It did not make sense to me that the church was preaching a message that put the onus on the believer to “just do something”. Surely, the truth was clear in the Bible that the only way we can truly serve God is to become a partaker of the divine nature. I became frustrated at the lack of teaching on this subject: there seemed to be no teaching that actually told me how to access this new nature which the Bible says that Jesus had so freely wrought for us by His death and resurrection. I struggled quite badly with sin; no matter how hard I tried, I just could not shake myself free from bad habits. I came to see Hagin’s faith teaching as being rather legalistic in that he assumed that it was a simple matter for a believer to stop sinning. Yet, I could see that Hagin did go into this subject more than most Bible teachers. Hagin taught that we have been born-again; we have been made new creatures with a new spirit that is not inclined towards sin. Despite this, Hagin seemed rather vehement in his attitude towards those who sinned – as if we could just simply stop sinning with a simple effort of the will. I began to study the scriptures for myself with the aid of Bible software. I could see that God’s love was all that I needed. But the great mystery was how to get God’s love. Some people seemed to believe that you get God’s love by serving Him in the church and loving other people. But I could not seem to do this because I felt I needed the love of God first – it was a catch-22 situation.

It at this time that I began to study and write a lot. I would get excited at studying the Word and finding out what Christ had already done for me. I would write for hours and hours – I could not stop myself.

Hillsong London…Where I am Today

A few of my friends from my previous church told me about Hillsong London. I was familiar with the name Hillsong. I knew that Hillsong was the name of a large, contemporary church in Sydney, Australia that was well-known for its contemporary worship music, which was fast becoming very popular all over the world. But I did not know that they had a church in London.

So in 2006 we went to Hillsong London for the first time. This church was based in the Dominion Theatre in Tottenham Court Road in London, which is where it is still based today. What struck me at once about this place was the servant hood: there was a veritable army of hosts, greeting you as you made your way into the theatre. I think my friends and I agreed afterwards that the preaching was “okay” and the music was good, but too loud.

Another thing that struck me about this church was the atmosphere of the place. We made our way to the coffee lounge and were welcomed by people who engaged us in conversation and asked where we were from, etc. There seemed to be many young people milling about, chatting enthusiastically. I noticed that many of the people were from other countries, mainly Australia, New Zealand and South Africa. I was also struck at how good-looking many of the people were, which was a welcome change from the churches I had attended previously.

I began to attend this church every week. My friends decided not to join me and continued to attend their local church. This church was like a dream come true to me. I eventually got used to the loud music and learned that it was best to not sit so close to the front! This church was slick, professional and highly organised. The people were serving out of a genuine heart of love, I felt, rather than a sense of having to do something for God. There was a real sense of community in this place – you were made to feel welcome. The band and the A.V. presentations were truly impressive and professional.

The church had lots of activities going on and they welcomed people to find out more about joining a team. So I decided to join the New Christians team. This was the team responsible for looking out for people who raised their hands upon the altar call being given at the end of each service. I would spot who put up their hand and then introduced myself to them and take their details. Being part of this team entailed meeting with the rest of the team for a brief, just before the service was about to start. This was where I got to meet other people and really feel part of the church.

The Dream Is Shattered

I noticed that I was beginning to struggle in my new found role. These were the kind of Christians that I wanted to meet: people who were enthusiastic, exciting, charismatic, positive and care-free. However, I struggled to get along with them. I didn’t really feel part of the team. They were positive and I would often feel rather sad and frustrated. I think this showed because I became something like a ghost in those meetings and failed to gel with those people and to make friends. I think the weight of past frustrations and my ongoing struggle with depression and anxiety just seemed to subtly ward these people off. I believe, in retrospect, that my motives also had something to do with it: I wanted to impact the church with my Biblical wisdom; I wanted to make my name known and to vie for position in the church. I was pouring my unmet needs into my role in this church – something that God was going to put a stop to. After about six months of serving on team – I finally quit and become another solitary member of the church.

Joseph Prince Comes to Hillsong London

Joseph Prince came to Hillsong London in October 2006 for a week-long teaching series. We have always been privileged as a church to have great speakers visit from all over the world, including Joyce Meyer, and of course, Brian Houston and Christine Caine (it is Hillsong after all). But it was at the time that Joseph Prince came to our church that the teaching in our church became radically transformed. Many people said that Pastor Prince managed to condense years of teaching into that week.

The Teaching I Listen to Now

I began to listen to Pastor Prince’s teaching on my MP3 player. I began to veer away from legalistic preaching and kept with grace teaching. Later on, a friend introduced me to Andrew Wommack, another wonderful grace preacher. Around this time I also subscribed to Hillsong London’s podcasts and Joyce Meyer’s podcasts. Nowadays, I tend to stick with mainly Joseph Prince and Andrew Wommack.

I personally feel that Joyce Meyer’s teaching is the best when it comes to what could be called attitudinal-adjustment. But I find that Joyce will often come out with grace teaching that blows me away and gives me such peace. But then Joyce will come out with something rather legalistic that puts the onus on the believer; what I call the “just do it” message – which I hate.

I began to find correlations between Joseph Prince’s teaching and what the Lord had been showing me during those times I spent at that charismatic, but legalistic, church. Pastor Prince’s emphasis seemed to be on our knowing that we are the righteousness of God in Christ, and finding power and rest in that. My teaching tended to be around receiving God’s love and life as a free gift and being empowered and motivated from there.

My Writings and the Divine Nature Ministries

For me, it was all about the divine nature. I vowed that if ever I began my own ministry it would be called The Divine Nature ministries. I put all of my writing into a big Word document, with the intention of writing a book someday. I now have enough material to write a whole series of books. I am frustrated because I don’t really know what step to take next with my writing. What seems to add to the frustration and the desire to hold-off on approaching a publisher is that I seem to be encountering misnomers all the time; it seems to be an on-going thing. Christianity strikes me as being like a person who enters a maze: some people seem to make there way through quite quickly, whilst others reach dead-ends and go the long way around. I think I fall into the latter category. But I see it in the light of mapping-out territory – the traps and the pitfalls that many are sure to fall into. I look back on some of the things I once believed and shake my head in despair. But I now see this as being an essential part of the journey. When I look back on some of the things I have written, I can learn from those mistakes and re-write them as, “This is what I used to believe, this is why I believed it – and this is what is really true.”

I suppose I am waiting for “something” to happen now. It is difficult to try to work out what to do sometimes and it is tempting to just force something to happen sometimes. It is tempting to think that I am taking things to extremes by waiting on God and that I must make an effort to “do something”. But I have come to learn that, despite what some people preach in church, I can do nothing with God. I have noticed that there is one big thing missing from my writing: powerful testimonies.

I believed that I would write Christian books and gain my sense of identity, significance and prosperity through that. But in this era of the Internet, I can have a ministry without having a church and without getting books published. I can use social networking sites, blogging and podcasts. So here is my first attempt at getting started with my blog. Perhaps God has not destined me to be a King David. Perhaps I am more like a Jonathon – who forfeits his right to prominence so that another can take his rightful place?

I have calmed down a great deal from the time that I was into the Word of Faith teaching. I still find myself reacting out of Word of Faith programming, which often contradicts grace teaching. I am coming to see that the best thing I can do now is to simply accept myself, other people and the world – just as they are. This is something that the Word of Faith distracts people from: faith teaching tells us that God hates “average” and that we must confess the Word to make a breakthrough and achieve miracles, prosperity and the like. There is a world to win for Christ, and to do that, we must perform, achieve and do miracles in order to influence them.

What grace teaching has taught me is that I can have an impact just as I am, doing what I do. Hillsong London has taught me a great deal about this. My whole vision of what the church should be like became completely blurred. I sought after people, power and possessions to give myself a sense of security, significance and self-worth. I felt justified in these pursuits because there was a world to win for Christ and they wouldn’t listen to a bunch of Bible-bashing legalists whose idea of doing something radical was to tidy old-people’s gardens.

Many of the people in Hillsong London are charismatic, influential and appealing – without having to achieve incredible things, without having a position on the board of directors, without being rich, without having lots of possessions and without having amazing talents and abilities. No, these people just live out of who they are in Christ. They just accept themselves as they are without wanting to change things. As these people accept their righteousness in Christ, God gives them the favour that they need – without having to exercise great faith in order to manifest miracles. It is all about having the favour of God and receiving the divine nature…