“Little Nudges” and Relationships – Part 1

Continuing with the “little nudges” theme – I have noticed how these little nudges of the heart play a role in our lives when it comes to relationships. There have been many occasions when I would tell myself that I would give someone a phone call, only to find that weeks have gone by and I have only managed to put off calling that person and eventually have forgotten all about it. Does that mean that I shouldn’t have called them, or that I should have called them? I don’t know, all I do know is that I cannot effectively control my life by enforcing a “should”, not even under the threat of rejection or even damnation. I can only live according to the subtle nudges of my heart – I cannot go any further than that. If my mind says, “Yes, let’s do it”, but my heart says, “No, stay here a while” – I cannot do much about it.

When I was younger I seemed to have loads of friends. I would say that this was probably one of the greatest blessings in my life. I never seemed to be short of friends: there always seemed to be kids knocking on my door when I was young and when I was in my late teens and early twenties, there was always someone calling me on the phone and inviting me some place.

I noticed with these relationships that I did not need to make much of a conscious effort to maintain a relationship. I found that I would instinctively respond to phone calls and invitations, without thinking much about it. There was nothing incredible about me to warrant such acceptance and attention. A lot of the time, I would be rather melancholy, in fact, my early years were a rollercoaster of emotions! Nevertheless, I had people in my life who were part of my life, people who I valued and people who seemed to value me. The great thing was: I didn’t have to do anything to merit these people’s approval – I just had to be myself. That did not prevent me from trying to be someone I wasn’t sometimes, as most young people often do.

It just makes me wonder how people can be expected to love someone more. You could read a book about relationships and be told that you should give your wife flowers once a month. But if your heart is not in it and you are trying to force yourself to do it – it will feel awkward, it won’t be genuine; it is likely that it won’t be accepted as readily by the recipient as it would be if it was prompted from genuine love.

Ever since my friends began to meet partners and get married – I have felt rather lonely. I have felt as if that heart-felt connection has not been present with most people, like it was with my closest friends when I was younger. The brief times that I have been in love with a member of the opposite sex, have been a stark contrast to the often mild connection that I have had with most people in my life, such as work colleagues.

“Little Nudges” and “Shoulds”

I feel as if I am trying to rediscover what it really means to live from the heart – I believe that this is synonymous with being led by the Holy Spirit. After all, that is where the Holy Spirit dwells: in the heart, or the spirit of man.

In my office recently I have noticed something: I would get a thought in my mind such as, “I would like a bag of crisps” (Americans call them “Potato Chips” or just “Chips”). I would not always voice such intentions in my mind; sometimes I would just have the conscious desire without forming the words in my mind. I noticed that just thinking this thought, together with a mild desire to consume a bag of crisps, was not always enough to get me reaching for the bag of crisps. What I found was that it was only minutes later, perhaps half an hour or so later, that I would find myself instinctively reaching for the bag of crisps. It was most certainly prompted from my subconscious mind, often with hardly a conscious thought or feeling associated with it. In fact, I became aware of the fact that it was almost as if I was watching someone else reaching for the bag of crisps – have you ever experienced anything like that in your own life? Perhaps you have but you have just not paid attention to it.

This simple scenario is an example of the subtle promptings of the heart; this also reminds me that merely holding onto a sentiment, or a “should”, is not always enough for me to actually commit to an associated action. In fact, there have been many times in my life when I have put a “should” on myself, sometimes in response to someone else putting a “should” on me. Most people do not give these things much consideration and it is only when you begin to make an effort to notice these things that you become more consciously aware of them. This is a powerful reminder that principles simply do not work – you cannot expect to hold onto a mere sentiment as a means of changing your life. In order to experience inner-transformation, you need to know who you are in Christ, what He has already done for you and the fact that you now have the divine nature in you right now (even if you don’t “feel” like it’s true.)

I recently listened to The God Journey podcast entitled The Knowable God, dated 18^th June 2010. It was great to hear Wayne Jacobsen relate how we can be given principles, like being a better father or better husband. It is even possible to make an effort for a short while to live according to such principles. But without those little nudges from the heart – it is impossible to maintain that new lifestyle. That is why we are so utterly dependant on God when it comes to inner transformation. After all, things like being a better father are dependant on the divine nature, not something that I can do with a conscious effort of the will. The divine nature comes from knowing who I am in Christ and living loved. If I have to really force myself to be a better “whatever” – that is not love. Jesus Himself said in Matthew 11:30, “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

It can be rather humbling, and even unsettling at first, to come to the realisation that we are not one hundred percent in control of our lives. But we need not despair at this realisation, but take comfort in the fact that God is in charge of our lives and He does not expect us to live according to a set of principles. We haven’t got what it takes to live the life God wants us to live, apart from fellowship with Him. We need to know that our righteousness is apart from our works – it is by faith and faith alone. Principles are just another way of describing the keeping of rules, just like the Ten Commandments.

The Bible as a “Yardstick”

The “Nanny Culture” in the church with its adoption of principles, naturally leads to the use of the Bible as a “yardstick”: Christians are supposed to check everything they intend to do against the Bible, ensuring that there is a back-up verse that validates it. This concept has been expounded by Darin Hufford of The Free Believers Network in his blog post entitled "Back-up Verse Theology".

The problem with using the Bible to find back-up verses is that people can tend to lose spontaneity as they try to look-up verses of scripture which seem to fit their intended course of action. This could lead people being put off doing something because it is not considered “scriptural” – even though they believe it is right in their heart. What do you do, for instance, if there is no Bible verse that says you should go on holiday to Spain for two weeks? What can also happen, I have noticed, is that Christians can become creative in manipulating Bible verses so that they mean what they want them to mean.

There is also the possibility of being led into excesses as people look to certain scriptures which they are told promise substantial wealth and incredible success by enthusiastic preachers. This leads to people “standing on God’s Word” as they indulge their fantasies about the incredible things that God wants to do in a person’s life. I believe that God has a plan for us; He wants us to do well in life and to prosper. However, I feel that this divine success and prosperity looks a lot more like “normal” life than the hyped-up claims of some preachers. Have you noticed that most of these prosperity preachers come from America – the most prosperous nation on earth?

When the Bible says in Deuteronomy 28:5, “blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl” – I believe that is saying that farmers of modest means in ancient Middle-East, will have more than enough food to eat. How on earth have we taken that verse and made it to mean something along the lines of a salesperson in 21^st century America making a million dollars in sales this year? I believe we should read scripture with its original context and target audience in mind.

The Institutional Church and the “Nanny Culture”

It would seem that insecurity, anxiety, apathy and confusion all go hand-in-hand. If a person is insecure and anxious, they will also tend to be confused; they will find it difficult to make decisions and they will lack spontaneity; they will also find it hard to commit to anything for a prolonged period of time – tending to give up with something part way through. Insecure people tend to shy away from taking responsibility wherever possible and are afraid of making a mistake and looking foolish.

Conversely, all of the opposites of these character traits also go hand-in-hand as well. Secure minded people tend to not worry about things; they are spontaneous and can quickly make good decisions without pondering the options for very long. Secure minded people are more likely to commit to something and stay with it throughout its duration. Secure people are more likely to take on responsibility and are not scared of making a mistake.

What I have noticed happening in the church is that both clear-minded, secure individuals are put under the same roof as confused, insecure people. The result is that a “nanny culture” has developed in that the leaders have saw fit to protect the weaker, insecure members of the church by establishing principles for them to follow. It does not seem enough to be told that Christ loves them and that they should rest in the finished work of Christ. No, it would seem that Christian leaders feel the need to identify what is right and what is wrong, what believers should and should not do, if they are to succeed in life and if they are to please God. But what they often fail to emphasise is the fact that believers are already right with God in Christ by faith, apart from their works.

Christians are therefore treated almost like children as they are told, “Don’t go there! Don’t touch that! That’s bad for you!” I honestly find it rather patronising. The insecure people seem to take to this approach, motivated by the want for approval, as they desperately try to adopt the principles into their own life. Insecure people naturally gravitate to a follow-the-leader mentality as they seek the advice of someone who they think has all the answers. But therein lies the problem: people were never created to seek answers from other people all the time and to make decisions based on what someone else thinks is right for them. Of course, we should listen to advice from others at times and we should learn from other people’s wisdom. But there is a balance to be maintained: learning from other people’s wisdom is not a replacement to making decisions for yourself and being led by the Holy Spirit for yourself.

Secure minded people are used to making quick decisions on-the-go – without having to continually seek the advice and approval of a wiser person or a spiritual guru. I think this leaves the more secure minded members of the church wondering what to do with all of these principles they hear being preached every Sunday. You can be given a principle to follow, but then find yourself doing something else. Perhaps that principle was not relevant to your situation? Or perhaps you simply needed to make that decision which will make you less likely to do it again in the future? So I think there is a need to simply make your own choices in life, even if you do make mistakes. We cannot go around trying to make a comprehensive set of principles, with the intention of safe-guarding the more gullible, naïve Christians. Even if you intend to follow a certain principle, there is no guarantee that you will act upon it. If those subtle promptings are simply not there – you will end-up just getting confused and frustrated, as you attempt to try to force yourself to abide by that principle.

The only thing that really seems to under gird principles with power – is some kind of threat. Fear of punishment is typically the most common threat amongst Christians. There is also the desire to gain the approval of God and other people. There is also a sense of guilt and shame if a person does not follow some sort of principle that has been laid down by a spiritual leader.

Christians are told that they are like sheep, basically, the implication here is that Christians are as dumb as sheep. They are also told that they need a shepherd; Jesus is our Shepherd. We are like sheep to God – I have no problem with that. However, a pastor is given the position of shepherd and basically assumes responsibility for telling Christians what they should and should not do. I do believe in the role of pastor, as someone who assumes a basic level of leadership in order to facilitate any kind of Christian gathering. But pastors, ever since the formation of dedicated church buildings, have become our spiritual coaches! Whatever happened to being led by the Holy Spirit?

¹ "Most assuredly, I say to you, he who does not enter the sheepfold by the door, but climbs up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber. ² "But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. ³ "To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. ⁴ "And when he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. ⁵ "Yet they will by no means follow a stranger, but will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers."

John 10:1-5

²¹ Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," Whenever you turn to the right hand Or whenever you turn to the left.

Isaiah 30:21

¹⁴ For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.

Romans 8:14

¹⁸ But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Galatians 5:18

Knowing it all at Once

Perhaps one of the biggest hindrances to being led by the Holy Spirit, is that we want to know each step, including the eventual outcome, all at once. I have noticed that when I’ve made poor decisions in the past, I have been more insistent on knowing everything all at once: I want to know where I’m going to go, what I’m going to do and with whom. There is a tendency to want to know where our actions today will take us to in five years time. Every decision that we have made in the past, both little and big, have led us to where we are today. So it seems important to make the right decisions in each moment. When we understand that behind each action we take, there is a thought or pattern of thought, we realise the importance of right thinking. James Allen said, “You are today where your thoughts have brought you. You will be tomorrow where your thoughts will take you.”

So what fear does is that it gives us an inclination towards wanting to know everything all at once. By that I mean we want to be able to gaze into the future and understand where a proposed decision will take us. The desire to want to know the future outcome of a decision will naturally lead to bouts of worry as we try to figure things out logically. But this is frustrating and leads to a sense of emptiness and hopelessness. Worry is an attempt to supplant the Holy Spirit, whose role it is to lead us in life. In fact, it is God who lives His life through us by His Spirit.

A lot of the time I find that God gives us just what we need in order to make the next step; in most cases, that is all that we need. I find that the insistence on knowing the next five steps and a detailed description of exactly what is going to happen and when, is simply an expression of fear. The more we trust in God and His ability to guide us and empower us, should give us the confidence to be led step-by-step by Him. We should rest our minds in the fact that if God requires for us to know more than the next step, He will let us know. There is no need for all the drama that many Christians go through as they seek to know the will of God for their lives and seek to understand their destiny. Just live your life one moment at a time – that is where God is and that is where peace is.

A Big Decision to Make

At this moment in time, I have a rather big decision to make in my personal life. It is only really now that this opportunity has presented itself to me. So naturally, I saw fit to investigate further and to make the necessary inquiries to see if I can progress with this idea. This decision has something to do with re-locating and buying a house.

Coincidently, this was the subject being discussed by The Free Believers Network in their podcast entitled Midweek – Deciding in the Wild, 30^th June 2010. In this podcast, the hosts discussed the way in which Christians make such a big fuss about making decisions; how Christians search for Bible verses to back-up every decisions they make. There really is a need to Christians to live from the heart and to just “take the plunge” when it comes to taking risks.

A few weeks ago I travelled to a certain place in the hope that this decision I have to make, would become clearer to me – but it did not: I did not feel any clearer about whether I should take this new step in my life, or not. I suppose I was expecting certain positive experiences or a burst of euphoric emotions that would confirm either way what the best course of action would be for me. However, the warm, fuzzy feelings were just not there. Neither did anything happen during my visit that pointed me in the direction that I should go. Seeing that this is quite a big decision to make and given my tendency to make poor decisions in the past and the state of anxiety this has instilled in me, I would have thought that God would have made it His business to let me know in some completely obvious way, what I should do.

In the past, there have been some decisions that I have made which have been accompanied by warm, zesty feelings that seemed to make the decision a complete no-brainer. But then again, there have been times when those warm, “gushy” feelings have not been present: all that has been present is a subtle prompting that has pushed me in that direction. When I come to think of it now, I suppose that the intense feelings of joy have little to do with my making the decisions that I have made: those positive feelings have been a by-product of the subtle promptings, which have led me to make the decisions that were right for me at that time.

Some of these decisions I have made by following subtle promptings have been good, some of them bad. But I notice that even the so-called “bad” decisions that I have made, have sometimes led me towards a more positive experience. So it seems that even so-called “bad” experiences are all part of this experience that we call life. The Bible says “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28). It seems that what interferes with the flow of life and the ability to live life to the full, is all the control, fear, guilt and other pressure we put upon ourselves.

I am at the stage now were I am more inclined to just go along with a decision, even if I don’t know all of the facts. Even if I have made wrong decisions in the past – so what? Making wrong decisions can lead a Christian to believe that he lacks faith, and therefore, should pray more or read more Christian books, including the Bible, of course. But this just leads to excesses and a reluctance to step-out and do what is in your heart, for fear of failure or punishment from God. I think we just need to lighten-up and do what we think is right. It is just the fear and guilt that surrounds our decision making that brings the apathy, fear, confusion and ultimately – wrong decisions. Without that fear we would have the clarity of mind and confidence to live our lives; making both good and not-so-good decisions. But we need to be assured that whatever we do will ultimately bring us to where God wants us to be.

It is tempting to believe that the reason we made wrong choices was because we were disobedient to God because we did not “follow the Word”. But this fear just leads to an obsession with finding verses of scripture to back-up every little decision that you make. I believe that the Bible is important, but only as a means of leading us to Jesus. We are to live our lives from there, rather than trying to replicate the life of one or more of the heroes in the Bible, such as King David. We can learn something from these people and their experiences, but we must really live our own lives. The Book of <insert your name here> is yet to be written!

I am led to wonder if the insistence on the intense warm feelings that we associate with love, is something of a misnomer – something that could be classed as being rather immature. Perhaps God wants us to look beyond such feelings and learn to trust the subtle promptings that He gives us?

Being Led By the Holy Spirit and “Little Nudges”

For a couple of weeks or so I have once again been pondering what it really means to be led by the Holy Spirit.

As always, I like to write down my thoughts when they come to me. But I mulled over this subject for a little while before I committed anything into writing. This was certainly not the first time I had approached this subject of being Spirit led: this is a subject I have returned to again and again. I intend to publish some of my notes on the subject in due course. The term that has been in my heart recently in relation to these thoughts, has been subtle promptings.

Conviction and Compulsion

I remember in the past, perhaps as early as 2005, when the term conviction and compulsion was running through my mind. For me, conviction and compulsion summed-up what it really meant to be led by the Holy Spirit. In fact, I noticed that virtually everything that I did was the result of having a conviction about it in my heart, followed by or accompanied with, a compulsion to do it. I noticed that without conviction and compulsion I could do nothing. But with conviction and compulsion I could do anything. I suppose for me that this brought to life the Words of Jesus in John 15:5, when He said, “For without Me you can do nothing.”

“Little Nudges” and the Knowable God

I listened to the latest The God Journey podcast entitled The Knowable God, dated 18^th June 2010. For me, I felt that this incredible podcast episode had two main themes running through it: firstly, there was the admission that a person cannot live by simply trying to follow principles; secondly, Wayne Jacobsen recounted how he had learned to live by the little nudges of the Holy Spirit. Wayne explained the fact that ever since the publication of the extremely popular book, The Shack; he has been inundated with manuscripts for consideration for publication by his company Windblown Media. Wayne described how he had more manuscripts on his plate than he could possibly deal with. So what he would do would be to walk past the manuscripts and say something along the lines of, “Lord, if there is anything here that you would like me to deal with now, please let me know.” Then, he would wait for a little nudge in his spirit that would possibly lead him to a potential publication. Wayne continued to relate how he has learned to extend this means of being led by God, into all areas of his life.

It just struck me how close this was to my own observations of conviction and compulsion and the subtle promptings of the Holy Spirit. In fact, I would say that it is impossible to do most things without these subtle promptings. When I wrote about conviction and compulsion from around 2005 to 2008 – there was hardly any teaching available to me that seemed to agree with this concept. Most Christian teaching seemed to constantly put the onus on the believer to “just do something” or to “be obedient”. So you can imagine how refreshing it was to hear Wayne Jacobsen relate how it is futile to try to follow some sort of principle – without having little nudges in your heart to maintain that behaviour.

It must be taken into consideration that Wayne Jacobsen and Brad Cummings, the hosts of The God Journey podcast, has a great deal of experience when it comes to ministry: both of them are ex-pastors who became disillusioned by the traditional church system. I know that Brad is a very well educated man and by his own admission he loves theology. But what Brad was saying in this podcast is that he started wondering to himself, “When do people actually graduate from all of this Christian teaching?”