“Little Nudges” and Relationships – Part 1

Continuing with the “little nudges” theme – I have noticed how these little nudges of the heart play a role in our lives when it comes to relationships. There have been many occasions when I would tell myself that I would give someone a phone call, only to find that weeks have gone by and I have only managed to put off calling that person and eventually have forgotten all about it. Does that mean that I shouldn’t have called them, or that I should have called them? I don’t know, all I do know is that I cannot effectively control my life by enforcing a “should”, not even under the threat of rejection or even damnation. I can only live according to the subtle nudges of my heart – I cannot go any further than that. If my mind says, “Yes, let’s do it”, but my heart says, “No, stay here a while” – I cannot do much about it.

When I was younger I seemed to have loads of friends. I would say that this was probably one of the greatest blessings in my life. I never seemed to be short of friends: there always seemed to be kids knocking on my door when I was young and when I was in my late teens and early twenties, there was always someone calling me on the phone and inviting me some place.

I noticed with these relationships that I did not need to make much of a conscious effort to maintain a relationship. I found that I would instinctively respond to phone calls and invitations, without thinking much about it. There was nothing incredible about me to warrant such acceptance and attention. A lot of the time, I would be rather melancholy, in fact, my early years were a rollercoaster of emotions! Nevertheless, I had people in my life who were part of my life, people who I valued and people who seemed to value me. The great thing was: I didn’t have to do anything to merit these people’s approval – I just had to be myself. That did not prevent me from trying to be someone I wasn’t sometimes, as most young people often do.

It just makes me wonder how people can be expected to love someone more. You could read a book about relationships and be told that you should give your wife flowers once a month. But if your heart is not in it and you are trying to force yourself to do it – it will feel awkward, it won’t be genuine; it is likely that it won’t be accepted as readily by the recipient as it would be if it was prompted from genuine love.

Ever since my friends began to meet partners and get married – I have felt rather lonely. I have felt as if that heart-felt connection has not been present with most people, like it was with my closest friends when I was younger. The brief times that I have been in love with a member of the opposite sex, have been a stark contrast to the often mild connection that I have had with most people in my life, such as work colleagues.