“Little Nudges” and Relationships – Part 2

The institutional church has been a difficult place for me, relationship-wise. Yes, I will admit that I have met people in church whom I have liked and enjoyed spending time with. But the real test for me has been in observing those little nudges of the heart: oftentimes that nudge to keep spending time with someone, to give them a call – has not been there. It’s been a rather funny and confusing thing for me: I would sometimes spend time with someone and genuinely enjoy their company. But I would find that I would have to make a conscious effort to keep the relationship going. I never really had to make that conscious effort in the past with close friends – it just seemed to operate almost by itself, instinctually, without me having to “should” on myself. I think what has kept church relationships going, more than anything else, has been the edict from the pulpit that every Christian must have fellowship. In other words, in order to be considered a “proper” Christian, you must go to church every Sunday; and you must attend some of the weekly activities in the church, or affiliated to the church. There seems to be an underlying current of fear driving this edict, so that if you were to fail to comply, you would be punished by God and ostracized by the people in your church.

I likened this situation in church to my friendships when I was younger. When I was a boy I was part of a close-knit group who really loved each other as is expected amongst close friends. As a group, we would sometimes meet other kids and would enjoy spending time with them – but they weren’t really part of our group – we knew it and so did they. So although we liked those people, we wouldn’t see them every week, or make a consistent effort to keep in contact with them. I suppose that’s what defines love and friendship: the “comeback” factor associated with it. When I was going through my nightclubbing phase in my early twenties, we would also meet new people, but again, they were never considered part of our group. I suppose these kinds of close friendships would be considered as cliques in most churches, and therefore, would be discouraged.