What I would find would happen with the latest house group that I went to, which was about a year ago, was that sometimes I would go and sometimes I would not. I would sometimes think to myself that I must go that evening – only to find that I just couldn’t do it. Then there would be the times when I didn’t “feel” like going, but I would just find myself putting my shoes on, grabbing the car keys and opening the door: it was instinctive, something that I hardly put any thought or effort into.
I think listening to the The Free Believers Network podcasts killed-off my desire to go to church during the start of the year. I have been going to Hillsong London in recent months because I have been meeting-up with a group of people. For me, the novelty of the professional worship, the lights and the motivating speakers, has worn off. For me, I only attend this church because I want to spend time with the people I meet there – not because I really have to. My motive has changed because the threats and the “shoulds” in connection to church services, are no longer there for me. This situation was mentioned in The Free Believers Network podcast entitled Moving On. So do I attend a church service every Sunday? No, I don’t go every Sunday: sometimes I will intend to go but wind-up doing something else – even if that “something else” is just lying in bed! I don’t stress over going to church, I feel a new-found freedom with it. Again, I just go with my heart when it comes to attending church and I don’t stress too much about it.
I will admit that I have felt rather frustrated to be exposed to so many different people who believe that they need to make a conscious effort to welcome people and to be friendly. It reminds me of what I believe speed dating would be like: meeting a lot of different people, perhaps enjoying their brief company – but finding that the attraction and the unction to spend more time with them is just not present. To be honest, I would much rather maintain just a small circle of friends, people who I feel a real connection with.
It can be a funny thing: you can meet someone with a wonderful, lively and warm personality. You could enjoy the time you spend with that person. Yet, you could be drawn to spend more time with someone else that does not have the same level of kindness, warmth, charisma, intelligence and so forth. Love is never dependant on a person’s prowess or ability – thank God! Love is not a competition, if it was, some people would be left languishing on the sidelines, as the more affable and charismatic people dominate the social scene. Love comes from God and it is the lifeline in relationships. Love is God’s perfection operating through the personality of a person. It is easy to see how love can be mistaken for a person’s personality and their perfection. Love can be accompanied by warm, fuzzy feelings; but oftentimes love operates without those strong, positive feelings.
I’ve struggled with depression most of my life, but I found that that depression would often lift when I was with people I loved. During recent years I have found that most people in my life don’t seem to have that effect of lifting my mood. I have been looking to those feelings of love to be a sign that I am with the people who are right for me. Therefore, I just thought that I had to seek out “the one” who would make my life complete, or “special friends”. But I am more inclined to believe that those feelings of love and joy were probably more for the benefit of the people I was with at the time: it can be an unpleasant experience to spend time with someone who is frustrated and miserable. For me, it has been the subtle promptings of my heart, those moments of spontaneity in the moment, which has kept relationships alive.
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